IELTS Essay Paying for Retirement

by Tam
(Saigon, Vietnam)

Hello again,
I have finished another topic. Please take a look at it.
Thank you very much.


The increase in people's life expectancy means that they have to work older to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to work at a younger age.

Is the alternative a positive or negative development?


Due to the developing competition between many countries in the world, some opinions argue that people should start to work in younger age, instead of working older in order to pay for their retirement. From an objective perspective, I strongly state that this is absolutely a negative development.

Firstly, the studying abilities of youngsters always are assessed higher than elders. The period of adolescent time should be used for consolidating their knowledge and working skills, and this will be a spring board to be a cutting edge of their occupation in future. Because, turning the deliberated eyes to this issue, governments, especially the developed nations, have been investing in the tertiary programs in order to rise the effect of human and financial resources , as well as leading the development of economy simultaneously. It is can name the cases of England, Australia, USA, etc, not only does the tertiary education play an important role in providing the great number of effective employees who come from those nations but also it has attracted others who come from other nations.

Furthermore, the occupation age is frequently synonymous with the class of experience, and it is obvious that youngsters could not win elders in this competition. Working experiences have been contributed day by day and this factor makes an employee who has capable of doing professional skills. For instance in Japan, with the law that extends the residents' working process, the economic efforts are ameliorated rapidly and obviously became the paragon for developing countries.

To conclude, as the aforementioned opinions, I strongly support the laws that extend the working age for retirement instead of encouraging to work early.

(275 words)

Comments for IELTS Essay Paying for Retirement

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Nov 01, 2017
5.5
by: Anonymous

Hi,

I see that you pointed out two opposites main ideas. However, the topic doesn’t ask you to "discuss both views". In my opinion, choose one side clearly and support that side with all your paragraphs.

1. "Firstly, the studying abilities of youngsters always are assessed higher than elders"
=> Study abilities.
=> Are assessed as higher than

2."this will be a spring board to be a cutting edge of their occupation in future. "
=> Springboard (no space) for them to become a cutting edge … in the future.

3.Because, turning the deliberated eyes to this issue,
=> The phrase "Turning the … to this issue" doesn’t sound naturally. It sounds like you tried to show off difficult words in the essay. Don’t let them think like that.

4."governments, especially the developed nations, have been investing in the tertiary programs "
=> Especially developed nations
=> Present perfect continuous is used when you want to emphasize the amount of time that the action has occurred (always have the amount of time when use present perfect continuous). In this case, "have invested …" is enough.

5. in order to rise the effect of human and financial resources
=> rise -> raise
Rise + (no object); raise + object
E.g: The sun rises.
Raise your hand.
=> Human … resources is quite confusing. => in order to increase the effectiveness of education (for example)

6. ", as well as leading the development of economy simultaneously"
=> There is no comma before "As well as".
=> Lead has the same role with "rise". Also, using "lead" here is not correct. => You may use "aim for" instead of "leading" here.

7. "It is can name the cases of England, Australia, USA, etc,"
=> "is" and "can" in a single sentence!?
=> There are many nations that use this method, such as England, ...
=> When you use UK, US, USA, please add "the" before it. THE UK, THE US.

8. "effective employees"
=> In this case, "effective work force" is much better.

9. "who come from those nations" => domestic residents.

10. "but also it has attracted others who come from other nations."
=> But also can attract international students.

11. " is frequently synonymous with". What do you mean when you used "frequently" there?

12. "class of experience". Do you mean "level of workers"?

13. "could not win elders in this competition" => "cannot win elders in this field"

14. "Working experiences" => No S
- Exprience can be used as an uncountable noun. You use it when you're talking about knowledge or skill which is obtained from doing, seeing or feeling things.
- Experience(s) is also a countable noun, but when you use it the countable form you are talking about a particular incident or incidents that affect you.

15. Working experiences have been contributed day by day and this factor makes an employee who has capable of doing professional skills
=> This factor makes an employee to be capable of doing …
=> What do you mean when you wrote "working experiences … day by day" ?

16. working process => working age

17. encouraging => encourage. Same role with "extend"



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