Proportion of population aged 65 and over

by najla
(Saudi Arabia )

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.

Hi, Can you correct my writing plz?

The line graph demonstrates the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries as in indicated on the x-axis.The y-axis indicated the percent proportion of elderly people .According to the legend proportion of population aged 65 and over is described by the solid line in the three different countries.

In 1940,the percent of USA was under 10% whereas the percent of the elderly in Japan was lowest at 4%, whilst Sweden was in the middle of theme .

The percent of the elderly in these the three countries will changes through 30 years. The percent of the elderly in Japan will rapid at 27%as also USA will 25% respectively whereas Sweden will be under at 23% .

Clearly , the line graph expects that the percent of the elderly in these the three countries will change significantly over 25 years.

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Apr 10, 2014
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by: IELTS buddy

You don't provide enough description of the graph.

You have this sentence which is not needed:

"According to the legend proportion of population aged 65 and over is described by the solid line in the three different countries."

Most of your description is taken up by the introduction then you only have a few sentences explaining what is happening in the actual graph.

You don't need to provide every single change but you need much more than you have.

You've basically just said they all increased but not compared or contrasted the three countries at all.

So your graph does need quite a bit of improvement in the body paragraphs.

And your overview at the end is too simplistic - you just say they 'change'. How did they change? You need to say that they all increased.

Thanks

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