Sample Task 2 Writing:
Competition at School

by rei
(canada)

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


Few people reckon that a competition among the children should be inspired. Some agree that children who are tutored to co-operate rather than compete morph to more useful adults.

A sense of competition clearly provokes children to do more effort, thus it hones their skills and intellect. However, competition like this puts pressure on this young people and they could only think about winning. Having that, youngsters may find alternative ways just to win, like cheating. We had a random interview among teachers before regarding this matter. They clearly defined us that there should be a limit in every competition that we put in every child's mind. "Winning is not everything, it is all about how they play their game", the teacher said.

Co-operating, on the other hand, gives a neat picture of teamwork among the children. They share their ideas and put it all together until they finish their given task. Since there are no pressures attached, they tend to become lax and may not give their best contribution to the team. According to the teacher that was interviewed, "That's why we (teachers) are here as middlemen and guides. We passively extract the good nectar among these beautiful flowers."

In conclusion, a sense of competition can definitely bring the best out of a child. I believe that competitive children become more useful adults than those who co-operate. Most children who top in class are irrevocably competitive. With proper guidance, they can achieve positive results through positive ways and attain their dreams. These children will soon be an enormous contribution and be useful elements in our society in the near future.

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Corrected Version:

Few people reckon that a competition among the children should be inspired. Some agree that children who are tutored to co-operate rather than compete morph to more useful adults. (too many problems with paraphrasing)

Some people believe that it is important to encourage children to be competitive, while others think children will become more useful adults if co-operation is taught.  This essay will discuss both opinions. (revised introduction)

A sense of competition clearly provokes encourages children to do make more effort, and thus it hones their skills and intellect. However, competition like this puts pressure on this these young people and they could may only think about winning. Having that, youngsters may find alternative ways just to win, like cheating. We had a random interview among teachers before regarding this matter. They clearly defined explained to us that there should be a limit in every competition that we put in every child's mind. "Winning is not everything, it is all about how they play their game", the teacher said. (not a good example and not all that clear what you actually mean - see comments below)

Co-operating, on the other hand, gives a neat picture provides a good understanding of teamwork among the children. They share their ideas and put it all together until they finish their given task. Since there are no pressures attached, they tend to become lax and may not give their best contribution to the team.  According to the teacher that was interviewed, "That's why we (teachers) are here as middlemen and guides. We passively extract the good nectar among these beautiful flowers." (not a good example - see comments below)

In conclusion, a sense of competition can definitely bring the best out of a child. I believe that competitive children become more useful adults than those who co-operate. Most children who come top in class are irrevocably competitive. With proper guidance, they can achieve positive results through positive ways and attain their dreams. These children will soon be an enormous contribution and be useful elements in our society in the near future.



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FURTHER COMMENTS


Overall I think you have the potential to write a very good essay, as you have some good grammar and vocabulary in most of your response.

As you can see, apart from the introduction, there are not too many errors.

However, you do have some problems with your content that you need to work on. See my comments below.

Synonyms / Paraphrasing

You have to be careful when try to find new words to replace those in the question.  You choose quite a few things to replace other words but these have different meanings or do not work:

Few people reckon = Cannot replace ‘some people think’

Some agree = Not the same as ‘some (or others) believe / think’

Morph = Not the same as ‘become’

Inspired and provokes =  Not the same meaning as ‘encourages’

You can see in the introduction I have re-written, many of the words are the same, but I have changed the order and the word forms.

Don't just copy out the rubric, but at the same time, don't feel you have to try and change every word, especially if you are not sure the word you are replacing it with is correct.

Using Examples

You have to be careful with your examples.  You can use examples from your own experience, but you write this:

We had a random interview among teachers before regarding this matter. They clearly defined us that there should be a limit in every competition that we put in every child's mind. "Winning is not everything, it is all about how they play their game", the teacher said.

This does not support your argument that competition is bad.  You have basically said: “My teachers thought competition is bad; therefore it must be.”  Arguing something is bad just because someone else says so it not a good argument. 

You need something stronger than this because there is no evidence that they know what they are talking about.

This is also not appropriate:

According to the teacher that was interviewed, "That's why we (teachers) are here as middlemen and guides. We passively extract the good nectar among these beautiful flowers."

We would not put something like this in an academic essay because you are leaving it up to someone to guess what you mean.  From reading it, I am not quite sure how it relates to your argument that co-operation is good. 

Don’t speak in ‘riddles’,  explain what your argument is in your own words.

Presenting a Clear Position

You have to present a consistent position (opinion) throughout your response, but you appear not to do this.  You imply in your second paragraph that you think competition is not good:

“However, competition like this puts pressure on this young people and they could only think about winning. Having that, youngsters may find alternative ways just to win, like cheating.”

This is clearly YOUR opinion, as you then go on to give an example from your school.

But in your conclusion when you expand on your opinion, you contradict this and give a long explanation of how completion is good.

This means that your position is not clear and is inconsistent.  So you have to be careful with the language you use.  For example, in your first body paragraph you could have given it as someone else’s opinion:

“However, some people believe that competition like this puts pressure on this young people and they could only think about winning.”

This would then indicate that it is not what you think, but is other people's opinion. You are then free to say what you want at the end.

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