Task 2: Equality at Work

by Phuong Nhung Nguyen
(Hanoi, Vietnam)

Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women.

Do you agree?


It is common acknowledged that the leaders of companies are sole men such as Bill Gates of Microsoft cooperation or Steve Jobs of Apple one. Therefore some people suggest that companies should ensure a certain proportion of high level positions to women. However from a personal viewpoint, I do not stand the side of them because of company profit and sex equality.

On the one hand, the solid aim of employers is profit. As a result, for selecting leading positions employers require candidates many special skills such as management, communicating skill and so on. People who have all of these ones can be chosen, not concerning that they are men or women.

On the other hand, we should consider the problems of equality. Women have fought for it over centuries. They long the opposite sex to share their responsibilities for family and break the limit that prevents them from taking part in social activities. Hence, they cannot ask society to give them more advantages of applying for jobs over men.

Although the perception of people in a great number of countries does not support women to enroll master or doctorate certificates and train their experience especially in Eastern countries, if women want society to respect them, they must demonstrate their abilities to persuade the employers that they are more deserved to have high level positions.

To sum up, because of profit the companies will not accept to allocate some percentages of leading positions to women. As well as that, women always expect to be treated equally, they have to debate men in applying for jobs.

________________________________________________

Feedback
by: IELTS buddy


Here is a corrected version:

It is common knowledge (or do you mean ‘commonly acknowledged’) that the leaders of companies are sole men such as Bill Gates of Microsoft corporation or Steve Jobs of Apple. Therefore, some people suggest that companies should ensure a certain proportion of high level positions go to women. However, from a personal viewpoint, I do not concur with them because of company profit and sex equality.

On the one hand, the solid aim of employers is profit. As a result, for selecting leading positions employers require candidates with many special skills such as management, communication and so on. People who have all of these attributes can be chosen without concern as to whether they are men or women.

On the other hand, we should consider the problems of equality. Women have fought for it over centuries. They long for the opposite sex to share their responsibilities for family and break the restriction that prevents them from taking part in social activities. Hence, they cannot ask society to give them more advantages over men when applying for jobs.

Although the perception of people in a great number of countries does not support women’s enrolment in masters or doctorate qualifications or other training, especially in Eastern countries, if women want society to respect them, they must demonstrate their abilities to persuade the employers that they are more deserving to have high level positions.

To sum up, because of profit the companies will not accept allocating a percentage of leading positions to women. As well as that, women always expect to be treated equally, so they have to compete with men in applying for jobs.

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Further Comments:

Overall, your task response is good. It appears you have fully understood the question and answered it fully.

The structure and general cohesion is also good.

You also have some good vocabulary in there. You understand how to construct complex sentences as well.

To improve your writing I think you need to work on your phrasing / collocations / wordforms.

Although you have some good vocabulary, as you will see from what I have corrected you make some errors in the way you use some of these words and phrases.

Also, be careful with using ‘on the one hand / on the other hand’. Its looks as if you are going to give an opposing opinion in your second body paragraph if you use this, but you are actually supporting your thesis.

Hope that helps. Let me know if you have any questions.

Thanks.

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Comments for Task 2: Equality at Work

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Nov 26, 2013
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How to write briefly
by: Hanie

Dear sir, I just have additive problem about how to organize my paragraph. I am always writing so moch sentences in my essay and i wonder how can I present my ideas briefly. I will really appreciate it if you could tell me what is the solution

Nov 15, 2014
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Comments or your writting
by: Esmatullah barakzai

You should focus on introduction paragraph, please put your general sentence, topic sentence, your opinion and reason for your opinion.

Then 3 body paragraphs, each focusing on your opinion and your reason for supporting idea and each body paragraph should have topic sentence.

And your conclusion paragraph should summarise all your essay.

For each paragraph a topic sentence is very important because it will give idea to reader what this paragraph is about. So a clear and good structured topic sentence should be use for each paragraph.

May 06, 2015
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My Equality at Work essay
by: S

Financial demands in today's world have increased on the household. Rising prices of basic commodities, love for luxuries, insistent and invasive advertisements creating demand for their products and services, have catapulted women from household duties to the workplace in order that they may supplement the wages of their partners.

Women have faced gender bias since times immemorial. From the beginning of times, women have been treated as inferior to men, even olden scriptures are rife with remarks creating a negative impression of women. So it is not quite a surprise that women face the same kind of antagonism in their workplace. Even when the world has advanced and people have come to accept women as more equal but the status is still not quite equal.

Women are considered weak physically and mentally, most of the employers prefer not to recruit women in areas which require harsh physical and mental labor. Even if they are recruited they are not expected to perform at par with their male peers. And even if they do, they are still not viewed as capable of promotion to higher more demanding positions. Glass ceiling is a concept well known in this aspect, there are women who break through to the top most tier however most of the high performing women face a glass ceiling, meaning the lower position is considered as their limit and they will never be allowed to progress to the top most position dominated by men.
Women also face and are vulnerable to verbal and physical sexual harassment in addition to various other hurdles in their path to progress.

Gender equality at work although a desirable concept is far from reality. Government should take appropriate steps to ensure a safe work environment for women and punish those who disrupt it.

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