IELTS Essay - Desiring Success in Life

by Tam
(Vietnam)

Hi guys, I really need you guys to give some feedbacks before I take the real test, again. :(. I really appreciate your help

How important do you think it is for people to want success in life?

Is ambition a positive or negative characteristic?


It is likely that every people have their dreams of success in life. However, two questions that how far the importance of this ambition is and whether this is positive or detrimental trend are some of the controversial issues, which would be discussed in this essay by personal opinions.

With respects to levels of this desire, it seems that this depends on each individuals and their specific situations. For example, poor blue-collar workers with their back-breaking life generally put all their efforts into working to meet basic needs, hence, the essence of dreams of better life to them is obviously higher than that to those who are in full-supported conditions. Otherwise, being self-motivated in the nature, some youngsters consider success in work/study as their native fascination and try to perform their strengthen, while others with their sedentary lifestyle generally incline to sufficient and leisured life.

Apart from this, the ambition’s influences seem to have both pros and cons. On the one hand, when dreams of success has become the avarice, a person would tend to do detrimental actions. These days, there are various piece of news about criminals of robbing or cheating, which only when offenders’ desire surpass their disposable conditions, do they readily do illegal ways. On the other hand, it cannot be also gainsaid that pursuing success help to heighten personal life expectancy then boosting the prosperity of the national economy afterwards.

In conclusion, with all afore-mentioned opinions, no one could deny merits and demerits of appetite about big goals as well as the fluctuation of its role which relies on every person in
particular circumstances.

Comments for IELTS Essay - Desiring Success in Life

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Jul 15, 2018
Good one but need more attention NEW
by: Anonymous

Again? How high was your score last time? I can give you some comments, though those are not optimal, it may help you somehow.

Good:
1. detrimental trend
2. controversial issues
3. back-breaking life

Not good:
Intro
1. "it is likely" = "It is probably". I think it's better to write how sure you are. This is not wrong, but using a stronger word instead of "likely" may be better.
2.* A detrimental trend.
3.* "By personal opinions" ==> In my personal opinions.

2nd paragraph:
4. it seems that this depends on ... ==> You should name the subject directly instead of using "this" at the first sentence of the paragraph to make yourself clear.
5. the essence of dreams ==> If you are trying to avoid using "desire/ambition", you can google "desire synonyms" and learn from it.
6. full-supported ==> fully supported
7.* perform their strength (strengthen is a verb)

3rd paragraph
8.* dreams of success HAVE
9. "which only when offenders’ desire surpass their disposable conditions, do they readily do illegal ways". I quite don't understand why you used inversion in the latter phrase.
10.* pursuing success helpS.
11.* then BOOSTS (parallel with help)

Conclusion
12. aforementioned (no dash)
13. deny THE merits and demerits

Overall, those comments with * are very important that you need to pay more attention, most of them are grammatical mistakes. The task achievements, cohesion and vocabulary are good, you can get 7 or more in those terms, but grammar is lower than that, maybe 5.5. Focus more on your grammar.

Jul 17, 2018
Comment above is too harsh NEW
by: Anonymous

I don't think like the guy above. He's right about those mistakes, but 6.5 is quite too low since you achieve perfectly your task achievements. I think it's gonna be 8-7-7-5.5=7.

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