Looking After Health

by Tam
(Vietnam)

Hello,

It's been a long time. I noticed I wasn't good enough and I spent several weeks to enhance my writing. Please judge my latest one. Thank you sincerely.


People should look after their health for personal benefits, rather than a duty for a society.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


There is an ever-increasing opinion that keeping fit should be considered as a good deep for oneself, instead of a duty to society. From my perspective, although the cost of health services may be unsatisfied with some patients, the advantages of this opinion outweigh its disadvantages for the following reasons.

We can point out the indisputable fact that the health of every resident is facing a range of dangers increasingly. As consequences of the industrialization, we could see a plenty of examples such as diseases coming from pesticides in agriculture, gas emission in transportation or chemical components in junk foods. Besides, wars, crashes and sudden accidents also lead people to injuries, as the more the development we reach, the heavier the consequenses we must stand in some circumstances.

Another equally important reason could be prevailing usages of medical insurance. Take the change of thoughts in well-being over these years as an evident. In the past, the prescription charges used to be worries of most households. Residents sometimes rejected to receive check-ups, while medical centers were known as the isolated places for wealthy social class only. However, nowadays, the prospecrity of economy eliminates those anxieties by medical insurances. Citizens may easily go private to heal their aches and pains or even diabetes, cardiac problems. Being as fit as a fiddle, thus, could be a possible goal.

The long and the short of it, I am strongly in favour of the belief that keeping healthy is an action for every single individuals, due to the dangers of illnesses and the benefits
of health insurances.

Comments for Looking After Health

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Mar 07, 2018
Looking After Health Essay
by: Anonymous

Intro:

1. a duty FOR
2. the cost of ... may be UNSATISFYING TO

Para 1:

1. "point out", in my opinion, is informal. You should use its synonyms: designate, appoint, etc.

2. "is facing a range of dangers increasingly" --> is facing an increasing range of dangers"

3. "wars, crashes and sudden accidents". War is quite too big for the idea you were writing here. Just say " traffic accidents" is enough.

Para 2:

1. could be THE prevailing usages
2. evidence.
3. reject + gerund.
4. prosperity

Band

Task Achievements: 7
Coherence: 6
Vocabulary: 6-7
Grammar: 5-6

You have a huge difference between your vocabulary and grammar. Try to improve your grammar or you won't get your target band score.

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